How to Talk to Your Relatives this Holiday

It’s that time of year again.

It’s the time of year when Americans of all genders and ethnicities will be invited to the surreal experience of a family meal with close relatives who have just voted for a man who has stripped them of their right to an abortion, who is an adjudicated sex offender, and who was recently convicted — by a jury of his peers — of 34 felonies.

It’s the season when we will be expected to engage in polite conversation with parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles who just voted for a man who has promised to unceremoniously round up and imprison millions of people who are “poisoning the blood” of Americans, and who would, if need be, order the military to defend us from the “enemy within.”

It’s the time to sit together for an appropriate amount of time and talk about anything except the things that really matter — like whether we have control over our own bodies, whether we have just voted in America’s last election, and whether an immature, narcissistic, vindictive man with the power to destroy the world at the push of a button will manage — four four more years — to not push it.

Some of us will opt out and accept the consequences. But most of us will try to be polite. We have, after all, had lots of practice. We grew up in these houses and we know what the rules are. We hurt each other at the voting booth, not at the dining room table.

It’s unlikely, then, that politics will come up. Everybody already knows what everyone else thinks. And only the most ungraceful uncle or aunt would make even a sideways reference to the election.

But suppose they do? What if your uncle is insensitive enough to needle you about something he knows has hurt you?

What is the safe and sensitive way to respond? And never mind that sensitivity is not required in Trump world. It is required of us. Especially at the dinner table. And so if battle is offered, we must fight it asymmetrically.

The wrong thing to do — and the strategy with the lowest probability of success — would be to bring up something you find objectionable about what Trump has done, said, or promised to do. To do so would be to invite your uncle into a game of whataboutism, at which he excels.

Say anything about Trump and you will quickly find yourself in the position of having to defend Hunter Biden, the COVID vaccine, or your school librarian. You won’t change your uncle’s mind on anything and you’ll come away feeling angry, embattled, and hopeless.

A better approach is to do what psychologists tell us to do when we’re having a fight with a friend or partner. Don’t talk about facts, talk about feelings.

Feelings have two things going for them over facts. First, whereas facts can be dodged, twisted, and disputed, feelings cannot. Unlike facts, you are the only one with access to your feelings. If you say you are feeing hurt, the person you’re fighting with — if they are very clumsy — might try to say “no, you aren’t.” But, once you say, “Yes, I am,” there’s nothing more they can say.

The other advantage of feelings over facts is that people are more likely to be moved by them. If, Trump’s threats against the “enemy within” or his record on abortion make you feel unsafe, that is something your uncle — if he cares for you at all — has to take seriously. No one wants their niece to feel unsafe.

He might try to argue that you shouldn’t feel unsafe, but there is more than ample justification for why you might. And nothing he can say about Hunter Biden or Anthony Faucci or your school librarian is going help him dodge the fact that you are feeling this way. Your uncle is going to have to take your feelings into consideration.

To be sure, your feelings are very unlikely to force him to change his mind — he has entire news channels of rationalizations to fall back on — but they do force him to consider the effects his choices may have on someone he cares about.

For your part, you will have been able to express a part of yourself that you would otherwise have kept silent and hidden. And that’s important, too.

We are not helpless. We are not voiceless. We can and should share our feelings and speak our truths when the opportunity arises. The challenge is to do it with sensitivity.

It is only by seeing mature people acting with courage and compassion that your uncle will raise his expectations for himself. And that is why he needs your grace and maturity much more than he needs you as another foil for his conspiracy theories.

For your part, you need to share your feelings in order to feel whole. And if you can share them with your uncle maybe you can share them with other people.

Good luck! Have courage! And happy holidays!